* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

*This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

*Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”

*This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”

* Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

*User Error: Replace user.

*Windows VirusScan 1.0 - “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”

*If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you
and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have
security?

*Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Roses are red, Yo mama’s a witch, give her a quarter and she’ll be your bitch.

Roses are red, violets are gold, so get on your knees and do what you’re told!

Roses are red, I’m at the door, Yo mama has a cup saying “Change for the poor.”

Roses are red, violets are blue, Yo mama stinks, and so do you.

Roses are red, violets are blue, what Yo mama needs is a good shampoo.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Yo mama asked what’s stupid and poor, and I said you.

Roses are red, violets are grey, Yo mama’s so ugly, I don’t know what to say.

Roses are red, violets are blue, beasts like yo mama belong in a zoo.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Yo mama’s breath smells like five day old stew.

2. Be cheerful at all times.Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care.This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

11. The so-called “help” file is really just a collection of lame “Chicken Soup for the Soul” anecdotes.

10. Refuses to install new programs until you’ve achieved “clear” status.

9. You hit “delete” and the guy in the next cubicle is instantly transported to Albuquerque.

8. In the middle of your fastest game of Minefield yet, the Stephen Hawking office assistant pops up and says, “It looks like you’re trying to arrive at a Unified Field Theory. Can I help you?”

7. Incorrect installation of printer drivers launches a nuclear strike against France.

6. Dreaded “Blue Screen of Death” replaced by less fearsome “Hamster Dance Screen of Death.”

5. Too easy to win new “Whack-a-Reno” game.

4. Default search options include “Body Cavity Search.”

3. Replaces hilarious, intellectual, pithy Top5 list items with crude junior high school humor.

2. Any time you empty the Recycle Bin, NASA loses another Mars Lander.

1. Changes “.gov” domain to “.bite-me” domain every time.

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)

8. What are people in America’s far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS

9. Spell — CAT, DOG, PIG

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.

From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995

Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.

Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden’s announce booth.

Trying to make one of Marv Albert’s blooper reels.

Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: “Winning’s no big deal.”

Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.

Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.

Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!

What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!

Tired of going to Disneyland.

They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him.

But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.

“Don’t let it bother you,” said a strange but amused voice.

“You folks need all the practice you can get.”

”We’re lost!” One of the hikers complained.

”And you said you were the best guide in the United States.”

”I am,” the guide answered, ” but I think we may have wandered into Canada.”

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ”Are you really going to let him get away with this?”

”No, I guess not,” says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn’t bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, ” Why did you let him do that?”

To this God says, ”Who’s he going to tell?”

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither.
And don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away.
In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish. You don’t have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don’t necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.
If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

Second Guy: That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool.

Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word. So they ask him, You haven’t said anything about what
you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?

Fourth Guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut
off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, ‘Golf Course or Intercourse?’
So she says, Wear your sweater.

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make
this shot a good one,” said Bob.

“Good Lord,” said David, “you haven’t got a chance of hitting her from
here.”

“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, ” she said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’”

Finally his exasperated partner says, ‘What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!’

The guy answers, ‘My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.’

‘Give me a break! You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.’

Calling “heads or tails” but never getting any. . . “head” or “tail”.

Players get “the wave”. . . refs get “the finger”.

Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.

With Reggie White retired, the penalty for “Illegal use of a racial slur” is meaningless.

Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin’ CLEVELAND!!!

Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.

Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it’s black and white week after week after week!

Don King only bribes boxing judges.

Official rule books not made in Braille.

I’m the one that everybody wants to kill, so where’s MY helmet and pads?!

The first guy was a Earnhardt fan, and put his hat over her left breast.

The second guy was a Elliot fan, and put it over her right breast!! The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat over her crotch.

When the police arrived, the officer looks at the girl and goes to evaluate. He first picks up the Earnhardt hat, puts it back down and writes something down. He does the same with the Elliot hat. Then he picks up the Gordon hat and puts it down then picks it up again.

He does this several times until the Gordon fan says, “What are you? Some kind of pervert?”

The officer replies, “No, I just usually find an asshole under one of these hats.”

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”