Emo Philips Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

“I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.”

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”

“My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.”

“My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.”

“I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.”

“Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something…”

“Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.”

“People come up to me and say, “Emo, do people really come up to you?”

“When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas…”

“I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

“Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.”

“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

“I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.”

“You know what I hate? Indian givers…no, I take that back.”

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