Answering Machine Messages

Posted on June 3, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text |

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.)

(Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don’t you ever wonder what life would be like? …

These words are lovely dark and deep But I’ve got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

Thank you for calling Santa’s workshop. Santa can’t come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we’ll get back to you!

C’mon…you can do it…just a little one. That’s the way…just a little beep, just a little one. C’mon…good boy…here we go…like this–beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c’mon…There you go!

Kemosabe no in teepee now. You leave’um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can’t come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange…mother…unicorn. I’ll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

[Sung to the tune of “Ride of the Valkyries”] Leave me a message…leave me a message….etc.

Next on Public Radio 91 we’ll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72….

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today’s password. Today’s password is BABY BOOTIES.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5…4…3…2…1…

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I’ll get back to you as soon as it’s safe for you to come out of hiding.

[Must have good Australian accent] G’day mate. Can’t come to the phone now because I’m a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I’ll get back to you.

[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage–my shoulders really could use it, and, what? You’re only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn….

Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana ‘im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas’.

Twinkle, Twinkle little star,
bet your wondering where we are?
Well, put your mouth up to the phone
And leave us a message for when we get home.
And if you can make your message rhyme,
We’ll call you back in half the time!!!!!

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

Don’t you do it! Don’t you dare! I don’t want to hear it! Don’t you beep! If you beep, I’ll…don’t even think about it!….Don’t….!

Bookmark To: