Pray Hard
Filed Under Dirty Jokes | 8 Comments
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.
Bread
Filed Under Dirty Jokes | 5 Comments
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
“Id like some raisin bread please”, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he’s having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin too?”
“No,” croaks the old man “… But its starting to twitch.”
Eighty Year Old Virgin
Filed Under Dirty Jokes | 7 Comments
One day an old lady went to the doctor because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have the crabs.” She informed the doctor that it could Read more
Use It or Lose It
Filed Under Dirty Jokes | 10 Comments
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried.
“How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!” And the husband replied “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, ” but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued - “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
Fire Truck
Filed Under Dirty Jokes | 6 Comments
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says “Hey little girl. What are you doing?”
Pet Rooster
Filed Under Dirty Jokes | 3 Comments
A Priest lost his pet rooster and couldnt find it no matter how many times he checked around his Parish.
Frustrated, he decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass.
From the pulpit, he asked loudly, Anyone got a cock?
All the men inside the Church stood up!
Nun Decorators
Filed Under Dirty Jokes | 1 Comment
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
The one nun says to the other, ?Hey, let?s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.?
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, ?Who is it??
“The Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.” They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, “Nice tit$. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
Dating vs Marriage
Filed Under Dirty Jokes | Leave a Comment
When you are dating.. Farting is never an issue.
When you are married .You make sure theres nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating.. He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married .He brings home a 6 pack, and says What are you going to drink?
When you are dating.. He holds your hand in public.
When you are married .He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating.. A Single bed for 2 isnt THAT bad.
When you are married .A King size bed feels like an army cot.
Family Values
Filed Under Dirty Jokes | 2 Comments
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values.
Stu said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”