First Offense
Filed Under Funny Drinking Jokes | Leave a Comment
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
“Now don’t let me ever see your face again,” said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
“I’m afraid I can’t promise that, sir,” said the released man.
“And why not?”
“Because I’m the barman at your regular pub!”
Three Brothers
Filed Under Funny Drinking Jokes | Leave a Comment
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
Irish Declare War On France
Filed Under Funny Drinking Jokes | Leave a Comment
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Smart Dog
Filed Under Funny Drinking Jokes | Leave a Comment
Tim O’Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back.
Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.
Live Long
Filed Under Funny Drinking Jokes | Leave a Comment
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee bit late one night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O’Gradys!”
“That’s nothing,” says Sean. “Here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O’Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!”
My Two Brothers
Filed Under Funny Drinking Jokes | Leave a Comment
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
One Wish
Filed Under Funny Drinking Jokes | Leave a Comment
Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!”
Driving Home Drunk
Filed Under Funny Drinking Jokes | Leave a Comment
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk.
“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Bad Bathroom Experience
Filed Under Funny Drinking Jokes | Leave a Comment
Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.
As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, “Ah, OK, sure, I’ll help you.”
The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?” Bob says, “OK.”
Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?” Bob replies, “Uh, yeah, OK.”