English is a Crazy Language

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English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

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Toilet Trick

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Hey, this party was on April Fool’s Day, so anything goes, right? Anyway, at the party there were two bathrooms. I went to the busiest one and did my usual medicine cabinet snooping and found some Icee Hot behind the mirror. So, on my way out I smeared the toilet seat with a thin layer of gel.

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Car Acronyms

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AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

All Un-informed Drivers Insulted

All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW
Big Money Works

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

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Freshers vs Seniors

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Fresher: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Fresher: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Fresher: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Fresher: Calls the professor “Teacher.”
Senior: Calls the professor “Bob.”

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Doctors meeting

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A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed.

Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”

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English vs. French

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An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference of officers from the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies. A French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked: “Why is it that we have to speak English at these conferences rather than speak French?”

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How To Impress A Woman

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Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Smile at her,
Compliment her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
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The Real Garden Of Eden

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One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.
“Adam, you can start by kissing Eve.”
“Lord, what is a kiss?” asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, “Lord!
That was great! What’s next?”
“Adam, I now want you to caress Eve.”
“Lord, what is caress?” asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.
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The Homeless Woman

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A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate with it instead of dinner?” “No,” I had to stop chocolate years ago, the homeless woman replied.

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