Drinking Blonde
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Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.
Painting Blondes
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A blonde wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman- type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” he replied. The blonde said “How about $50.00 ?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder were in the garage. The man’s wife inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should, she was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes, the blond answered and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats”. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.00 “and by the way the blond added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari”.
Blonde in a Restaurant
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Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress’ name tag?
A: “‘Debbie’…that’s cute. What did you name the other one?”
Blonde Year in Review
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A Blonde’s Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…HELLOOO!…bottles won’t fit in printer.
March - Got really excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….box said “2 - 4 years”
April - Trapped on escalator for hours…power went out.
May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions… 8 cups of water won’t fit into that little packet.
June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition…learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.
August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm…car swamped because soft-top was open.
September- The capital of California is “C”, isn’t it?
October- Hate M&M’s - they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!
December - Couldn’t dial 911- duh - there’s no eleven on the stupid phone.
Bad Blondes
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A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they’ve been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she’s seen any cops.
“Yes,” says the blonde.
“Are their lights on?”
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, “Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.”
Red Ears
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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.”
“Oh Dear!” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. “But. what happened to your other ear?” “The son of a bitch called back.”
One Eyed Blonde
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Two blondes are walking down the road when one says, ?Look at that dog with one eye!?
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, ?Where??
Ventriloquist
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!” The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”
The Diet
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A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.” When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” The blonde nodded… “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.” “From hunger, you mean?”, asked the doctor.” No, from skipping.”