Smart Bid
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A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden. “I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato,” said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
“No,” said the farmer, “I get a dime for a tomato like that one.”
Sherlock Holmes
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
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Ding Dong
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A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices our Little Johnny trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Little Johnny is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching Little Johnny’s efforts for some time, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
The Bar Bet
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Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy. “Your on!”, he says.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
Lose Some Weight
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A man, want to lose some of his excess weight.So he visited the local doctor.
John: Can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Just Cut your head off.
Dusty Underwear
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One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
Boat Trouble
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During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
Tell Yo Mama
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Tell Yo mama that I’m mad at her… and her jagged teeth. A circumcision is a one time procedure and I’ve already had mine.
Tell Yo mama to stop wearing green lipstick, my balls are starting to look like ninja turtles.
Tell Yo mama to stop wearing blue lipstick, my balls look like Smurfs.
Tell Yo mama to send me some makeup remover, I can’t get her lipstick off me.
Tell Yo mama that the tip’s under the pillow.
Bad News
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A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the
longest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity.”