Dusty Underwear
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One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
Boat Trouble
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During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
Tell Yo Mama
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Tell Yo mama that I’m mad at her… and her jagged teeth. A circumcision is a one time procedure and I’ve already had mine.
Tell Yo mama to stop wearing green lipstick, my balls are starting to look like ninja turtles.
Tell Yo mama to stop wearing blue lipstick, my balls look like Smurfs.
Tell Yo mama to send me some makeup remover, I can’t get her lipstick off me.
Tell Yo mama that the tip’s under the pillow.
Bad News
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A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the
longest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity.”
Mad Cow Signs
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Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying “Not on the first date.”
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow’s body.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists that evaporated milk comes from dehydrated cows.
She starts giving you Milk of Magnesia.
Architect Engineer and Owner
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An architect, engineer and owner decide to design a building. The architect asks the owner what style of building he wants. The owner describes the building down to each detail for the architect. The architect spends a day drawing a cartoon of the building and submits it to the owner for review. The owner looks at the drawings and hates everything he sees. A week has passed and the owner has made the architect go back and redraw his picture several times before the owner reluctantly agrees on how the building should look.
The Talking Frog
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An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”
Three Little Pigs
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There were three pigs.
The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.
The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.
The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said “No I’m the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home”
Blind Pilots
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One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.