Mad Cow Signs
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Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying “Not on the first date.”
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow’s body.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists that evaporated milk comes from dehydrated cows.
She starts giving you Milk of Magnesia.
Architect Engineer and Owner
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An architect, engineer and owner decide to design a building. The architect asks the owner what style of building he wants. The owner describes the building down to each detail for the architect. The architect spends a day drawing a cartoon of the building and submits it to the owner for review. The owner looks at the drawings and hates everything he sees. A week has passed and the owner has made the architect go back and redraw his picture several times before the owner reluctantly agrees on how the building should look.
The Talking Frog
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An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”
Three Little Pigs
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There were three pigs.
The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.
The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.
The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said “No I’m the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home”
Blind Pilots
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One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
Gas Men
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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Airline Bet
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A computer programmer and an engineer were sitting next to each other on a transcontinental flight. The programmer leaned over to the engineer and asked whether he would like to play a game. The engineer only wanted to take a nap, so he politely declined, rolled over toward the window and closed his eyes.
The programmer persisted and stated that the game was both very easy and a lot of fun. He explained “I ask you a question - if you don’t know the answer, you pay me five bucks. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay five bucks to you.” Again, the Engineer politely declined and closed his eyes. The programmer, somewhat agitated, said, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me five bucks, but if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you fifty bucks!” This caught the engineer’s attention,
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Gambler
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Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.
After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gambling”. The father asked how and she said, “He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.”
Piano Jokes
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Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Q: What key is “Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight” written in?
A: C sharp or B flat.