Crazy with Confusion
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A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?” He got the following reply.
“Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely step daughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.
Speeding Ticket
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A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what!?”
“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
Spot the Liberal
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How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative? Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore and see what happens.
A conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout “swim for it!”
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Who Was First?
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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God that she had a problem. “What’s the problem, Eve?” He responded. “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I am still so lonely.” God replied, “I have a solution for you, Eve. I shall create a man to keep you company.”
Polish Divorce
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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
Hockey
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Three guys from Carolina died and went to hell.
Satan went to check on them and saw that they had their shirts off and didn’t mind the heat, so he turned up the heat.
He went to check on them again and he saw that they were in their boxers and they still didn’t mind the heat.
Satan went and turned the temperature down to minus twenty.
Tough Life
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A guy has one arm and decides he doesn’t want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he’s standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below.
Anniversary
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On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for them when they returned. After returning home, the couple saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles. There was a note that read: “Your dessert is in the refrigerator.
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Fry Bread
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The old tribal chairman was on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled the scent of fry-bread wafting into his room. Aaahhhh. . . He loved fry-bread more than anything else in the world.