Insults
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He was happily married - but his wife wasn’t.
Keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high.
There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.
Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.
We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
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Height of Coincidence
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Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
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Funny Car Names
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AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
Excuses Written By Parents
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1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
Funny Definitions
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Beauty Parlor:
A place where women curl up and dye
Cannibal:
Someone who is fed up with people
Dust:
Mud with the juice squeezed out
Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
Gossip:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage
Handkerchief:
Cold storage
Inflation:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper
Raisin:
Grape with a sunburn
Tomorrow:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today
Microsoft vs GM
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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.”
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”
And…
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Net Addiction
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Top Signs of Net Addiction
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads “This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3 or higher.”
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 28,800 modems.
How To Quit Smoking
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1. Assume until that time, you had never smoked, and then you have to work. Buy stack of cigarettes and try to smoke.
2. Say you all smoke and smoke, but the taste and smell is not there. Light cigarettes, the method of serving its open fire and smoke here.
3. Assume you are unable smoke up over a sufficiently long
time. Remove from cigarette packets and Stop chasing the stack itself.
4. Say you felt bad pain in the mouth cavity. Turn cigarettes in a way that has been in the mouth it’s not the end alight.
5. Let’s say you do not like the taste of cigarettes. Perhaps you smoke filter.
To this from happening, buy cigarettes without filter - Primo or Astro, or thin end of “Death under sail” production friendly Cuba.
6. Assume you dizzy head hurts and nausea.
Then go vodka first, and then smoke. Vertigo and nausea it will be possible to write off alcohol.
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Christmas Day Oneliners
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Q. What’s red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.
Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.