Mad Cow Signs
Posted on September 4, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Jokes, Funny Text | Leave a Comment
Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying “Not on the first date.”
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow’s body.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists that evaporated milk comes from dehydrated cows.
She starts giving you Milk of Magnesia.
Golf Laws
Posted on September 4, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | Leave a Comment
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
Posted on September 4, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | Leave a Comment
Top 10 reasons why golf is better than sex:
1. Choice of public or private courses
2. Lessons are available
3. If you’re good you can turn pro and do it full time
4. Can clean balls at every hole
5. Choice of wood, aluminium or graphite
6. The less strokes the better
7. If you lose a ball, you still have two left
Good Golf Advice
Posted on September 4, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | Leave a Comment
Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick back swing.
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Don’t stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.
Don’t take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
Romantic Niagara Falls
Posted on September 2, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | Leave a Comment
Niagara Falls is a set of huge waterfalls located on the Niagara river. The falls are located 17 miles northwest of Buffalo, New York, 75 miles southeast of Toronto, Ontario, between the twin cities of Niagara Falls, Ontario, and Niagara Falls, New York. Niagara falls is every romantic’s paradise, because of its grandeur, beauty, vastness and the plethora of activities it offers.
Dieting Tips
Posted on September 1, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | Leave a Comment
Finally, after all these years of trying yo-yo diets… phentermine, hoodia, cialis (no wait that’s for erectile dysfunction)… finally some diet tips that actually work. Enjoy feeling better about yourself.
If no one sees you eat it - it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel each other out.
When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.
Food used for medicinal purposes never counts such as: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sarah Lee cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you - then you look thinner.
Chinese Phrases
Posted on August 26, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | 1 Comment
Shai Gai: A bashful person
Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice.
Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia: Approach me
Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table
Southwest Airlines
Posted on August 13, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | Leave a Comment
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?
The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
Ways to Torture a Cat
Posted on July 23, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Junk, Funny Text | 6 Comments
Tail tricks….This is the real funny part…Seeing the cat can’t really get to it’s tail, you can do shit with it and the cat is defenseless. Try tying the cat’s tail to his front paw, cuz everyone time it walks, it’s tail get’s pulled, looks like some diseased person trying to walk. Or even better, get a nice grab of the tail, and start spinning the cat around using it, the cat will have to take the pain, cuz by force of nature, it can’t reach it’s paws around to scratch you since it’s spinning so fast it’s paws are spread-eagle like. If you have glue, and the cat’s tail is long enough, or maybe just a tad shorter, you can glue it’s tail to it’s nose, which is cool. The cat moves his head and his ass comes up with it (That is a chain reaction?) Like it’ll be walking around town with it’s ass all dangling up, all the other furry fucks will ram it up, which in turn, will make the cat freak when it tries to sit down (get it?). But that’s kinda mean.
