Things to do in an Elevator
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1. Groan while slapping your head and muttering to yourself: “Shut up, all of you, just shut up”
2. Open your briefcase or purse and ask “Is there enough air in there?”
3. Stand in the corner motionless without saying anything or getting off.
4. When the elevator gets to your floor try prying the doors open while grunting and making noises, then act embarrassed when they open.
5. Greet everyone getting on the elevator and ask them to call you Admiral.
6. Meow every now and again.
7. Bring a cooler labeled “Human head”
8. When the elevator gets to each floor say “Ding”
9. Whenever somebody pushes a button make explosive noises.
Rare condition
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A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can’t believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can’t believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again.
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Stupid Things
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1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this?
5. When people say, while watching a film, “Did you see that?”. No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
Big Kitty
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Big kitty is a very special cat! She uses the toilet like a human. It’s so funny. She gets up on the toilet seat, never makes a mess, and does her business! She also gives kisses. If you ask her for a kiss, she puts her lips right up to yours! Sometimes she demands kisses. She also knows that petting is special. So she’ll take her paw and pet you just like you would pet her.
Adams Cats
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I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with two felines with talents… The first is Aloysius (nick-named Pookie) who was a beautiful Seal Point Himalayan. The second is a buff/white alley cat named Boo Radley. Unfortunately both have passed on…
Pookie had a stuffed animal (a little witch called Witchie) that he would carry around. He cried when he carried her. When he would be “done” with playing with her, I would put her somewhere in the house like on top of the piano or a table. Pookie never approved of Witchie being higher than he was! He absolutely would have to knock her down!
Another of Pookie’s antics involved his being bathed and dried. Read more
Men vs Women
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Drive Through ATM Machine
HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, receipt, and card
5. Leave
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because she’s too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
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Women’s English
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Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = Hell no.
We need = I want.
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to.
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you’re dead.
Men’s English
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I’m hungry = I’m hungry.
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy.
I’m tired = I’m tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let’s have sex now.
What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you.
Male vs Female
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Objects (Are they male or female)
Hot Air Balloon - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it… and of course, there’s the hot air part.
Hourglass - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.
Subway - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Tire - male, because it goes bald and often is overinflated.
Sponges - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.