Special Female Medications
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Dami Toll
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 6 hours.
St. Mom’s Kort
It is a Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by making pre Schoolers unconscious for up to 2 hours.
Empty Gestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
Pepto Simbo
Liquid silicone for single women. It increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol
When taken with Pepto Simbo, it can cause low IQ causing enjoyment of music.
Flipitork
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and flipping off other drivers.
Anti Boytiks
It is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Male vs Female
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Definitions
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female…Any part under a car’s hood.
b. male…The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female…Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
b. male…Playing any sport without a “cup.”
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
a. female…The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
b. male…Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female…The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
b. male…What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
Answering Machine Messages
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You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.)
(Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don’t you ever wonder what life would be like? …
These words are lovely dark and deep But I’ve got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
Answering Machine Messages
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Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?
Hi, this is John’s answering machine. He’s not here, but I’m open to suggestions.
In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking…
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.
Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk!)
Funny Signs Around The World
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A funny sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
“Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”
In a Zurich hotel:
“Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.”
In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:
“Drop your trousers here for best results.”
In an Acapulco hotel:
“The manager has personally passed all the water served here.”
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
“Ladies may have a fit upstairs.”
Why I dont have a Girlfriend
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Here, my faceless friends, are some of the reasons I do not have a girlfriend. I?m not one to complain, and this indeed is not a complaint at all. I usually enjoy the spoils of the single life. This is simply a list that, for some reason, I am sharing out of boredom.
1) I?M SHORT? OK, I?m not like midget short. Just short. Like 5?6?? roughly the same height as my grandmother, which is rather humbling to know. Sure, there?s apparently like 3 women in America who like short guys, but c?mon, everyone knows they are probably kinda weird. Or they weren?t hugged enough as a child. Or they have some odd fetish, or a third arm or something. (muahahaha now I?ll get emails from all sorts of women claiming they like short guys? my plan is working splendidly?)
Office Poop Survival Guide
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We?ve all been there but don?t like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn?t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Weird Things about Me
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13 Weird Things about Me
1. I use a fake name in Starbucks because it makes me laugh.
2. While I?m waiting for my overpriced latte, I?ll read the horoscopes. Mine, Taurus, is usually the most boring, so I?ll adopt a different sign for the day. I love my Scorpio days the best.
3. I don?t wear underwear and I have lousy short-term memory. I sometimes keep panties in my purse, in case I go shopping for jeans, but then I forget about them. There are now way too many people who?ve unintentionally and undeservedly seen my undies.
4. When I caught my ex with his mistress, I went on goodvibes.com and ordered all their top-selling vibrators. I?d always had a phobia about sex with machinery (what if it shorts and catches fire while it?s near my hoo hoo?). But I figured I was never going to trust a man enough to have sex with one ever again. Thankfully, I was wrong but now I?ve got this closet full of vibrators?.
Things I Love About NYC
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Things I Love About NYC
Isn?t it ironic that on the second day of the transit strike the New York magazine is delivered to my door with the cover ?123 Reasons to Love New York Right Now??!
Let me start a Transit Strike version of this:
?___ Reasons to ?Love? a NYC Transit Strike?
1. Hipster buttcrack on the Wburg bridge
2. Hipsterettes walking in ?80?s boots on the Wburg bridge
3. Mayor Bloomberg freezing his Republican tuchus off on the Brooklyn Bridge
4. Brooklynites who can?t drive with bicyclists on the road
5. All those great 96th Street checkpoints
6. The ultra thorough coverage from all the local stations: 2, 4, 5, 7, 9 and don?t forget NY1!