Why I dont have a Girlfriend
Posted on May 21, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | Leave a Comment
Here, my faceless friends, are some of the reasons I do not have a girlfriend. I?m not one to complain, and this indeed is not a complaint at all. I usually enjoy the spoils of the single life. This is simply a list that, for some reason, I am sharing out of boredom.
1) I?M SHORT? OK, I?m not like midget short. Just short. Like 5?6?? roughly the same height as my grandmother, which is rather humbling to know. Sure, there?s apparently like 3 women in America who like short guys, but c?mon, everyone knows they are probably kinda weird. Or they weren?t hugged enough as a child. Or they have some odd fetish, or a third arm or something. (muahahaha now I?ll get emails from all sorts of women claiming they like short guys? my plan is working splendidly?)
Office Poop Survival Guide
Posted on May 21, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | Leave a Comment
We?ve all been there but don?t like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn?t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Weird Things about Me
Posted on May 21, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | Leave a Comment
13 Weird Things about Me
1. I use a fake name in Starbucks because it makes me laugh.
2. While I?m waiting for my overpriced latte, I?ll read the horoscopes. Mine, Taurus, is usually the most boring, so I?ll adopt a different sign for the day. I love my Scorpio days the best.
3. I don?t wear underwear and I have lousy short-term memory. I sometimes keep panties in my purse, in case I go shopping for jeans, but then I forget about them. There are now way too many people who?ve unintentionally and undeservedly seen my undies.
4. When I caught my ex with his mistress, I went on goodvibes.com and ordered all their top-selling vibrators. I?d always had a phobia about sex with machinery (what if it shorts and catches fire while it?s near my hoo hoo?). But I figured I was never going to trust a man enough to have sex with one ever again. Thankfully, I was wrong but now I?ve got this closet full of vibrators?.
Things I Love About NYC
Posted on May 21, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | Leave a Comment
Things I Love About NYC
Isn?t it ironic that on the second day of the transit strike the New York magazine is delivered to my door with the cover ?123 Reasons to Love New York Right Now??!
Let me start a Transit Strike version of this:
?___ Reasons to ?Love? a NYC Transit Strike?
1. Hipster buttcrack on the Wburg bridge
2. Hipsterettes walking in ?80?s boots on the Wburg bridge
3. Mayor Bloomberg freezing his Republican tuchus off on the Brooklyn Bridge
4. Brooklynites who can?t drive with bicyclists on the road
5. All those great 96th Street checkpoints
6. The ultra thorough coverage from all the local stations: 2, 4, 5, 7, 9 and don?t forget NY1!
Why Nice Guys Suck
Posted on May 21, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | Leave a Comment
Why Nice Guys Suck ??
So I?m dating a nice guy now and it SUCKS. No other way to explain it, it just SUCKS. He?s no challenge. He agrees with everything I say. He?s got it all though - a decent job, a nice house, no kids, no psycho ex-wives, and he?s tall and cute. Anyone ever seen that Friends episode when Alec Baldwin played Phoebe?s boyfriend?? YEAH, my boyfriend is THAT nice. He?s just too fucking nice. Nice is boring. I?ve never heard him raise his voice. He?s never aggressive. He has no edge. He won?t even drive over the speed limit and that fucking annoys the shit out of me, yet I sit in the passenger seat and keep my mouth shut? watching everyone whiz by us.
And don?t get me started on the sex. Oh, excuse me? making love. After he cums (note I didn?t mention anything about ME cumming), he rolls over and says ?Oh, that was nice? with a little sigh. I KID YOU NOT, he says it EVERY TIME and then he sighs like he has just woken from a refreshing nap. I finally got so tired of missionary and him looking lovingly into my eyes and smiling as he came, that I threw him down on the couch one night and mounted him. At first he was terrified - yes, TERRIFIED. He thought something had possessed me. And it HAD ? it was sheer MADNESS. I fucked the shit out of him that night. And then he sighed and said ?Oh, that was nice?.
Meaning of BBA
Posted on May 12, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | Leave a Comment
What is the meaning of BBA?
BBA= Body Builders’ Association ?
BBA= Burmese Boedaw Association ?
BBA= Burmese Buddhists Association ?
BBA= Busy Businessmen Association ?
BBA= Burmese Business Association ?
BBA= Bad Boys of Abac ?
The actual meaning is Bachelor of Business Administration
Men are like?
Posted on May 12, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | Leave a Comment
Men are like?
1. Men are like …….Laxatives ….. They irritate the s*** out of you.
2. Men are like …..Bananas …… The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like …..Weather ….. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ……Blenders … You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ……Chocolate Bars …. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men Happier than Women
Posted on May 12, 2007 - Filed Under Funny Text | Leave a Comment
Reasons Why Men Are Happier Than Women!
We keep our last name.
Chocolate is just another snack.
We can be president.
We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
The world is our urinal.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at our chest when we’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
