Taking Aim
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, ‘What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!’
The guy answers, ‘My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.’
‘Give me a break! You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.’
Top NFL Complaints
After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
Calling “heads or tails” but never getting any. . . “head” or “tail”.
Players get “the wave”. . . refs get “the finger”.
Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
With Reggie White retired, the penalty for “Illegal use of a racial slur” is meaningless.
Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin’ CLEVELAND!!!
Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it’s black and white week after week after week!
Don King only bribes boxing judges.
Official rule books not made in Braille.
I’m the one that everybody wants to kill, so where’s MY helmet and pads?!
NASCAR Samaritans
There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a race, when they see an accident on the side of the road so they pull over! They go to help the victim, but they realize she is naked, so they take off their hats.
The first guy was a Earnhardt fan, and put his hat over her left breast.
The second guy was a Elliot fan, and put it over her right breast!! The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat over her crotch.
When the police arrived, the officer looks at the girl and goes to evaluate. He first picks up the Earnhardt hat, puts it back down and writes something down. He does the same with the Elliot hat. Then he picks up the Gordon hat and puts it down then picks it up again.
He does this several times until the Gordon fan says, “What are you? Some kind of pervert?”
The officer replies, “No, I just usually find an asshole under one of these hats.”
Senior Golf Logic
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. “These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”
Funny Car Names
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Yo Mama is So Ugly
She didn’t get hit with the ugly stick, she was hit with the ugly log!
Kids dress up as her for Halloween!
She makes blind children cry!
You could stick her face in dough and it would make monster cookies!
I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door said “Thanks for bringing her back.”!
If you looked up ugly in the dictionary her picture would be next to it!
People hang her picture in their cars so their radios don’t get stolen!
People hang her picture in their basements to scare the rats away!
She looked out the window and the police fined her for mooning!
Her shadow ran away from her!
I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application!
I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a pay check!
People at the circus pay money not to see her!
Strawberries
A little boy runs across this man who has a truck load of cow manure and the boy asks him what he is going to do with all of that cow poop.
The man tells the little boy, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.”
The little boy looks up at the man and says, “I don’t know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.”
Little Johnny
At the start of English class, the teacher asked the students to use the word, definitely, in a sentence.
Little Timmy raised his hand. The teacher pointed and said, “Yes, Timmy, can you use the word definitely in a sentence?”
Little Timmy stood and said, “The grass is definitely green.”
The teacher shook her head and replied, “No Timmy, sometimes the sun is so hot, it browns the grass, so the grass is not definitely green.”
Little Susie raised her hand and said, “The sky is definitely blue.”
“No Susie, sometimes there are clouds in the sky. So the sky is not definitely blue,” the teacher stated.
Little Johnny raised his hand.
“Yes, Johnny, can you use the word definitely in a sentence?”
“Um, well … when you break wind, does it have chunks in it?” Johnny asked as he squirmed in his seat.
“No,” the teacher replied.
Little Johnny stood and said, “Then may I be excused, because I have definitely just shit on myself.”