Farmer’s Daughter
A young man arrives for a date with the farmer’s daughter with a very bad case of gas. The father opens the door and tells the young man to come in and take a seat, which happens to be next to the family dog and across from his date. The father sits on the other side of the room.
Conversation ensues and the young man feels one building up. Straining for control, he nonetheless let’s one squeak out.
(dry audible) phhheert!!!
The father looks over at the family dog and yells: “Duke!”
The misdirected blame relaxes the young man enough to allow another, more deadlier stinker out.
(moist audible) phhheerthphth!!!!
The father, more agitated, glares at the family dog and yells: “DUKE!”
The date blushes. The young man, relieved that he is not found out, let’s go of the motherload.
(juicy audible) phhheeeerthphthertphert!!!!!!!
The father, enflamed, bellows to the dog: “DUKE! Get over here before that boy shits on you!!!!”
Grocery Store
Bernie goes to a grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Bernie to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Bernie goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week Bernie finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Bernie to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Bernie goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
Next week Bernie comes to the grocery store with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Bhola: “What! There’s nothing but doodie in this bag!”
Bernie calmly replies: “Yes, and I want toilet paper”
Pooping at Work
We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the…
Unofficial Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
Escapee
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
College Survival Tips
14. Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
13. Enjoy being a Sophomore — It will be the best three years of your life.
12. Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it’s all fun and games until someone loses their ‘nads.
11. Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
10. Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative “home pharmaceuticals” business.
9. If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.
8. Boring lecture? Start a wave!
7. College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.
6. “I Phelta Thi” is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.
5. Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.
4. Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.
3. Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.
2. Don’t think of it as sleeping with your professor — think of it as “acing Biology.”
and the Number 1 Tip for Surviving College…
1.In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast cereal.
Prisoners Mail
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.”
The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”
The Elderly Snake
An old snake goes to see his doctor.
He says, “Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can’t see well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
The doctor says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”
Deserving Grade
There was a university in New England where the students operated a “bank” of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs. Since it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade, and C grade.
One student, who had spent the weekend on more “extra-curricular pursuits,” went to the bank, and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicuous C. He then retyped it and handed the work in.
In due course he received it back with the professor’s comments.
“I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it was worth an A, and now I’m pleased to give it one!”
The FBI Interview
Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, “Go into that room and kill your wife.” The guy says, “No way,” and leaves FBI headquarters.
The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job, and he, too, refuses.
Finally the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. “What happened?” asks the FBI agent.
“Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks… I had to kill her with the chair.”