NASCAR Samaritans
There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a race, when they see an accident on the side of the road so they pull over! They go to help the victim, but they realize she is naked, so they take off their hats.
The first guy was a Earnhardt fan, and put his hat over her left breast.
The second guy was a Elliot fan, and put it over her right breast!! The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat over her crotch.
Senior Golf Logic
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. “These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
Funny Car Names
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
Yo Mama is So Ugly
She didn’t get hit with the ugly stick, she was hit with the ugly log!
Kids dress up as her for Halloween!
She makes blind children cry!
You could stick her face in dough and it would make monster cookies!
I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door said “Thanks for bringing her back.”!
Strawberries
A little boy runs across this man who has a truck load of cow manure and the boy asks him what he is going to do with all of that cow poop.
The man tells the little boy, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.”
Little Johnny
At the start of English class, the teacher asked the students to use the word, definitely, in a sentence.
Little Timmy raised his hand. The teacher pointed and said, “Yes, Timmy, can you use the word definitely in a sentence?”
Little Timmy stood and said, “The grass is definitely green.”
The teacher shook her head and replied, “No Timmy, sometimes the sun is so hot, it browns the grass, so the grass is not definitely green.”
Little Susie raised her hand and said, “The sky is definitely blue.”
Farmer’s Daughter
A young man arrives for a date with the farmer’s daughter with a very bad case of gas. The father opens the door and tells the young man to come in and take a seat, which happens to be next to the family dog and across from his date. The father sits on the other side of the room.
Conversation ensues and the young man feels one building up. Straining for control, he nonetheless let’s one squeak out.
(dry audible) phhheert!!!
The father looks over at the family dog and yells: “Duke!”
Grocery Store
Bernie goes to a grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Bernie to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Bernie goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week Bernie finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Bernie to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Bernie goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
Pooping at Work
We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the…
Unofficial Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
Escapee
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.