New to Football
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, ” she said.
Taking Aim
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, ‘What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!’
Top NFL Complaints
After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
Calling “heads or tails” but never getting any. . . “head” or “tail”.
Players get “the wave”. . . refs get “the finger”.
Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
With Reggie White retired, the penalty for “Illegal use of a racial slur” is meaningless.
NASCAR Samaritans
There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a race, when they see an accident on the side of the road so they pull over! They go to help the victim, but they realize she is naked, so they take off their hats.
The first guy was a Earnhardt fan, and put his hat over her left breast.
The second guy was a Elliot fan, and put it over her right breast!! The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat over her crotch.
Senior Golf Logic
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. “These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
Funny Car Names
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
Yo Mama is So Ugly
She didn’t get hit with the ugly stick, she was hit with the ugly log!
Kids dress up as her for Halloween!
She makes blind children cry!
You could stick her face in dough and it would make monster cookies!
I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door said “Thanks for bringing her back.”!
Strawberries
A little boy runs across this man who has a truck load of cow manure and the boy asks him what he is going to do with all of that cow poop.
The man tells the little boy, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.”
Little Johnny
At the start of English class, the teacher asked the students to use the word, definitely, in a sentence.
Little Timmy raised his hand. The teacher pointed and said, “Yes, Timmy, can you use the word definitely in a sentence?”
Little Timmy stood and said, “The grass is definitely green.”
The teacher shook her head and replied, “No Timmy, sometimes the sun is so hot, it browns the grass, so the grass is not definitely green.”
Little Susie raised her hand and said, “The sky is definitely blue.”