A Woman
A woman likes to have four animals in the house:
a jaguar in front of the doorway,
a fox in the closet, a bull in bed,
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Excuses Written By Parents
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
Funny Definitions
Beauty Parlor:
A place where women curl up and dye
Cannibal:
Someone who is fed up with people
Dust:
Mud with the juice squeezed out
Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
Gossip:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage
Handkerchief:
Cold storage
Inflation:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper
Raisin:
Grape with a sunburn
Tomorrow:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today
Microsoft vs GM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.”
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”
And…
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Net Addiction
Top Signs of Net Addiction
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads “This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3 or higher.”
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 28,800 modems.
Old Man
One day an old man went to the doctor for his physical checkup along with his wife. The doctor there tells the old man that “I need your urine sample, stool sample and a sperm sample for testing” The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: “What?”
“What did the doctor say?”
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Labor Pain
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
On Turning Fifty
Today I turned fifty. I feel really good.
My body’s still working quite well thanks. (Touch wood!)
My hair’s not too grey, my wrinkles are few,
I can still touch my toes with my knuckles. (Can you?)
I’m quite full of vigour, just getting ripe.
(But they now print the phone book in much smaller type.)
My hearing’s still good. What’s that you say?
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Baby Power
Being born was great for me,
Though I can’t recall the chore.
But every year I’m pleased to see,
That it’s me they all adore.
My mom and dad stay close to me;
They claim to know me well.
They’re proud to know a celebrity,
And me, I know they’re swell.